My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
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