Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
I think you and I could make a perfect Caleb-oration
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
Resting Grinch face.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
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