Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open til Christmas!

You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.

I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.

Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.

I’m in such a Henri to get to France!

If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.

Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas

There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.

The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!

Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.

A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."

I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.

You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.

Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."

I yam what I yam.

How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?

What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.

I’m very frond of you.

If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.

"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes

“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes

"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)

The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.

How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.

I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.

“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”

What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.

Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny

Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.

Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature

They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.

I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.

What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.

Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.

I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.

What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.

I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.

What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx

Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.

I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.

What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!

What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!

What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"

What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!

A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."

What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.