Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
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