Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
I am a chemist. Want to get together and see the reaction?
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
If I got a star for every time I thought of you, I would have a whole galaxy.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
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