I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Is your name flecainide? Because you just made my heart skip a beat.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
I pitcher us together forever.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
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