What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
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