How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
Give me your number so I can make the call.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
I’m feelin’ pine.
I don't know what gate I'm boarding at, but I hope it's close to yours.
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
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