How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!

Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.

I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.

What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"

My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.

Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers

Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.

Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.

What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.

What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait

What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.

What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.

One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!

How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.

Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.

What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.

What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer

Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.

10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.

Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.

What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.

What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.

After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.

How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West

This is snow laughing matter!

"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.

What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.

My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!

There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.

Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?

I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.

I know we just met, but will you marinade me?

Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller

What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.

Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.

Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!