Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
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