What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi

“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky

I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.

Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.

“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"

"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert

Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.

Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.

Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”

Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.

Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”

“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti

Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.

I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.

I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”

If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.

Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.

Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.

My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.

How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.

What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.

Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.

Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.

Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.

My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.

What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”

How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!

Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.

Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.

I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.

What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!

Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.

I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.

I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.

“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson

My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.

You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.

What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.