What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
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