Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
"Time to wine down."
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
The snuggle is real.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
Here in Australia it's already tomorrow, wanna know what we did last night?
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Feeling fintastic.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Pirates Private Property.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
Go to BabaMail
