What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
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