I'm at my best during overtime.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
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