A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
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