Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
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