Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
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