There’s snow one like you.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
Mooning is very ASStrological
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
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