I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
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