When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
You're my missing ingredient.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
"What an egg-citing day."
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
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