What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
Bookworms take shelfies.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
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