Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
You’re my heartthrob.
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