Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
I Got to Get You Into My Life
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
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