After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
You snow the drill.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
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