There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
"You bake me crazy."
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
Yoda one for me!
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