It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
Angel, I want to run all the way with you.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
All you need is MY love
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
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