If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Wow, you drive me Davi
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
One should always practice what they peach.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
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