Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Nothing really mattress.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
You're the only sight I want to see today.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
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