I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Go to BabaMail
