Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
Green glass globes glow greenly.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
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