Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you.
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
I want you. I knead you.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
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