Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.

When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.

“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown

“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson

Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.

In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.

What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.

When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!

What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.

When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.

Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.

What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!

What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed

For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.

What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.

What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!

What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.

What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.

We make a great pear

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."

Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.

What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”

I less than three you.

What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.

I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.

“Monday should be optional.”

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.

For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.

The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!

Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!

What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!

How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.

How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?

I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.

I'm pine-ing for you.

Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.

What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.

What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.

Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.

People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.

My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.

If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.

I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.