What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Having a ball
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
This foundation is rock salad.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
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