Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
Books are my kind of texts.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
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Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
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