Now I know why there's no snow - you're so hot!
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
I beg your garden?
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
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