What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lee
Lee who?
Lee me alone - I've got a headache!
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Go to BabaMail
