What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to use a condom?
Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
Go to BabaMail
