What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
I was calling the hospital, but it seems they were busy. The picked up the phone and said,
"Urology department, can you hold?"
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Something’s goat to give.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
Burst into cheers!
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
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