You're a good egg.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
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