Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.

If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.

What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.

What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.

“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons

It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.

It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.

The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.

While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"

My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.

"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr

What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.

How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.

In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.

What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.

Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!

Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?

How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.

Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.

Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.

As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.

If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.

There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.

Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.

Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.

What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!

There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.

"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.

Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.

My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.

Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.