What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
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