If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
"Lazy bones."
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
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