I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
Live to tell the tail.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
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