I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
Go to BabaMail
