What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
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