Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open til Christmas!
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
We've reached the point of snow return.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
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