Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
Time to spruce things up.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
Snow thank you.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
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