I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
I cannoli be happy
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
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