Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
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