How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
"You deserve better and so do I."
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
Whale, hello there.
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