I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.

What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?

How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."

“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho

The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.

Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?

Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.

The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”

Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.

"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."

- Victor Borge

I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.

Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.

My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.

Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.

There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.

The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.

Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.

What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.

What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.

What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas

“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski

Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.

Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.

Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!

Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.

At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"

The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.

He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."

“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker

What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.

Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.

The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.

The temperature can only go up from here.

You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!

Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.

I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.

Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'

I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.

What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.

Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.

What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly

What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.

Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.