When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
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