If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
We make a great pear
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
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