Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
How was Heaven when you left it?
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
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