With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
Should we go out on Friday? Isla pick you up at 7.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
I dig you a hole lot.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
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