Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Go to BabaMail
