"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
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