The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
It’s a winterful day!
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
You knead me in your loaf.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
Yule be sorry.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
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