Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
You must be copper because I could really CU ending up with me.
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
Go to BabaMail
