What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Let's do lunge together
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
I'm just like an Easter bunny - sweet, but hollow on the inside.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
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