Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.

“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett

Isabella Isabeauty for sure

What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?

Long time, no sea.

What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.

Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.

I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.

An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.

The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.

Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.

Do you wanna know a secret? I'm in love with you.

When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?

Him: Awww, of course!

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.

Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.

Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.

What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.

I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.

Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.

Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.

What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.

How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.

Roses should learn what it means to be perfect from you.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.

“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney

Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips

What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.

“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”

The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.

Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.

If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?

What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!

"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson

If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?

How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!

You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.

Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.

What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.

How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.

What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way

How Rudolf you to say that!

Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!

Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!