Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
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