What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
I couldn't chair less!
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
It takes one to snow one.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
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