Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
How hot does your gas oven get?
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
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