I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Get clover it, babe.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Do you comma here often?
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to my prayers.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
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